I’ve been lying to a an online fan community I’m part of for multiple years. Not extensively. Most of the things I say are honest about me. I haven’t weaved some intricate web of lies for them to suddenly find out. The lie I sit with is that despite the fact it’s a community with completely reasonable rules against coming back under a different pseudonym, a rule that can get you banned if you’re found out, I still did so.

My first time there I wasn’t perfect. But my biggest “crime” so to speak is that I was mentally unwell and easily overwhelmed. So since it was a time investment and a creative endeavor, I frequently had to take time away and was typically unreliable even when I wanted to be reliable. It gave me a lot of anxiety. And even though they likely would have gladly welcomed me back because I was otherwise pretty easy to get along with, I didn’t choose that route.

I would have done things properly if not for the fact there was a significant loss in my life. Something that came suddenly and I felt lost. I felt like the previous name I was seen under was connected to who I felt like before the loss, and in a state of impulsive grief my anxiety convinced me that I’d be connected to a consistent string of “failure” and anxiety, and I wanted a “clean slate”. I felt like a different person, so it’s fine right? (It’s not.) That’s not how it works, of course, but grief is weird. It wasn’t like I really let people in anyway, so it wasn’t like most people really got to know me in any real significant way. But I kept track of what I was known for, and what I should and shouldn’t know. And I stupidly went for it.

And I’ve gotten away with it somehow. I feel guilty. Because it’s been years it’s not like I can just rip the bandaid off anymore. If I’d admitted it early on I could have just moved on, but now if I do I’ll lose many friends. And in the end it will hurt me more than anyone else. So I can’t even admit it anymore.

Technically with how much I’ve gotten away with, there’s a chance I could just get away with it forever as long as I don’t act a fool. It’s not like I’m adding a bad energy, people typically like me. I add positive things. I have nothing I feel vindictive about. I have no delusion that somehow things are unfair, and if they ever do find out I’ll accept it pain and all, and I won’t try to do this again. It’s not like I could anyway at that point.

But maybe I should try to step away with grace. Fade from friends in a way that is natural to some online friendships. Allow them to think positively of me without any sense of bitterness or betrayal, but otherwise just not return. Slowly stop talking or responding. Live life like normal people do. I don’t know when or if I will do that.

Grief is stupid. Impulse is stupid. The fact that this is about a fan community of all things feels somehow so unserious in comparison to some of the things here. It shouldn’t have mattered that much to me but it does and it did. I have a lot of guilt over it anyway.