I'm really sorry you're going through this—it sounds incredibly painful and overwhelming to carry all of this alone. Addiction, especially when it’s tangled with deep-rooted feelings like shame and guilt, can feel impossible to escape.

But the fact that you’re here, speaking about it and wanting change, shows strength. You’ve already taken an important step in acknowledging what you want to improve in yourself.

It's normal to feel a huge disconnect between your beliefs and your actions under the weight of addiction. But this disconnect doesn’t make you a hypocrite; it makes you human, someone who’s dealing with something deeply ingrained and difficult. Understanding that can help to start untangling your self-worth from this addiction.

Reaching out to a mental health professional can be life-changing. Therapists who specialize in addiction can help you find healthy ways to manage the impulses and emotions that come with it, and address the underlying causes of your addiction.

Remember, you're not alone in this—there are countless people who've faced similar struggles and found a way through.